Last night I reached my breaking point.
I am three weeks from graduating and it seems like everything is going wrong. Most students are nervous about graduating but, I am dreading each an every day here.
I’ve always noticed that anxiety always comes back when my stress levels are high and they have been higher than normal lately. I am doing research papers, preparing for finals, trying to rub two nickels together to get through the week and worst of all I feel alone.
I am away from people who I know care about me and it gets hard sometimes. The thing that stresses me out the most is not knowing who to trust.
When I woke up this morning I came across this YouTube video that lifted my spirit. This young lady’s story inspired me to keep going.
If you are going through depression or anxiety I think you should watch this video because it really helped me.
When it seems as if everything is wrong, sometimes you have to remind yourself who you are. It is none of your business what people think of you but, what truly matters is what you think about yourself.
We all know that one girl that we can not stand.
The girl that sleeps with everyone’s man. The girl who is super loud in the morning for no reason. The girl who thinks she’s “all that” because she is Instagram famous when we all know she bought her followers. Or the girl that is always mad for no reason.
Well you know what, that girl is not the problem. Yes, I said it she is not the problem and here is why.
In society women are taught to hate one another from the times they are born. We are taught to compete with one another to be the best.
I use to be that girl who hated other girls because, I believed that other girls were the problem. A few days ago I came to the conclusion that I am a part of the problem. For me to hate another woman because of her faults would make me a hypocrite. We all have been that girl that we hate at one point in our lives.
Someone once told me that we hate people because, we see something in them that we hate about ourselves. We complain that we can’t stand it when girls are shady then, brag when we throw shade as if we have that right. Everyone has looked at someone at-least one time in their life and mentally judged something about them. Shade has no gender, anyone can do that.
We have to change our minds and learn to love one another despite our flaws. We all have flaws and when we hate someone, we have to look in the mirror and ask ourselves why. Even though we are taught to compete with one another we can reverse that. Stop giving in to the ways of society and be yourself.
There is only one you. When you are yourself, you don’t have time to put other woman down because, you are in your own lane. When you stay in you own lane you understand your value and encourage other woman because you understand that they are not a threat.
The darkest hour has a way of exposing your pain.
The darkest hour knows how to make you look him in his face. The darkest hour separates the weak from the strong because he will either make you strong or tear you apart.
I made it past the darkest hour because I’m here today and so did you. But the funny thing about the darkest hour is that when you think you’ve met him sometimes he come back stronger and with a vengeance.
When you meet him again you have to be strong. We often find ourselves caving our pain inside and taking on the world with an artificial confidence. In order to be prepared for the darkest hour we have to let go of the pain from the past because healing builds strength. When you are able to walk away from a closed door with closure then you will be equipped to face whatever is in store in the next door.
When you have a better outlook on life it’s easier to get past challenges because you know that pain comes and go. With wisdom you can approach any obstacle with a warrior mentality. The warrior mentality is the mentality that you can conquer any obstacle that comes your way.
When the darkest hour comes know that an hour is only a spec in time and you can get through it.
Today I am proud to say that I officially beat my anxiety and I am going to share my secret. You can throw away all of those books and tune out all of those motivational videos because trust me, they will never work. You can’t beat anxiety by simply repeating a phrase or doing any steps. Don’t get so caught up in man made philosophies because men are flawed. Its like the blind leading the blind and could only fix the exterior problems.
As I read empowerment novels and watched motivational videos it only encouraged me to get back up. If you know anxiety like I do then you would know that without a solid foundation it will knock you right back down. I found my foundation in God. As I studied the bible and gained an understand of his word he showed me who I am. Now that I know who I am anxiety can’t tell me who I am.
Anxiety is triggered by internal suggestions that creates negative thoughts leading you to feel discomfort. Although statistics tell us the most of us suffer from a mental illness you have the power to cast that down. That power that I hold is not because of me but God in me. When I tried to fight anxiety with my own philosophies and philosophies from others, I always end up back where I started.
Tonight I am telling you that you are free from anxiety but you have to walk in that truth and not be fooled. I remember the day I diagnosed myself with anxiety as clear as day. I didn’t even know what it was until an article described how I felt. I realized that the day I labeled my self as anxious, I gave power to it. Anxiety slowly became who I was but now that I know the truth I will not be fooled. I had to go through a lot to realize this but know I can help you because I’ve been there.
Today vow to make this the last day that you will associate anxiety with your identity. Confidence is built through attitude, looks, or security in superficial things but, through acknowledging the truth. The truth isn’t that I am who God says I am so man can’t tell me anything other that what I already know.
Are you truly happy with the person you are at this very moment?
If you are then you are already ahead of the game, I applaud you because it’s not easy. If not then I am with you and we will get through this together. I don’t have the answer to everything and I am not hear to preach to you. I want you to learn from my experiences, connect to them, reminisce if that is the case. Get to know me raw and uncut so that it could encourage you through my troubles that you may be facing now or will face in the future.
If you read my article “Ask Me If I Care”, you would see that I was ready to walk down a new path. I was tired of allowing people, anxiety, and discouragement to get me down. Well lets just say I have a new attitude. After the third day of being the “new” me anxiety whooped my behind. I became so self-centered that I acted as I was above the world. I acted as if those who did acknowledge me didn’t exist and carried a nonchalant attitude. This superficial idea of confidence crumbled as soon as someone challenged me.
To this very day I still struggle with allowing particular people to intimidate me. I saw someone who made me feel less than I thought I was and my whole ideology crumbled at that very moment. That scared little girl was unleashed from my soul and I was back at square one.
After a weekend of solitude, I decided to change my approach. I choose to be humble. I realized that the same way that the person who made me feel worthless was the person that I was acting like. I guess you can say I got a taste of my own medicine and it was awful. I put my confidence in God and tell him to lead me. When you don’t keep him with you, sometimes all hell will break loose.
You cannot do it on your own because if you could it would already be done. Whatever it is that you are going through, know that you have to shine brighter. That light is in you and you cant let the darkness intimidate you. I am stronger than my troubles, anxiety, pain and sorrow because God is in me.
When you think you have it all together, don’t forget to check yourself. There is more to life than ourselves.
This weekend I starred my anxiety in the eye. Today I decided not to fear the thoughts that arise. Those thoughts that tell me who the world tells me that I am can scream as loud as it can. Today I decide not to listen. You can no longer break me because I am ready for you. Come and get me because I refuse to hide any longer. I am ready for whatever you are willing to throw at me because you no longer have power over me.
This weekend I realized how much I allowed my anxiety to get the best of me when I went on a trip to Philly. As fun as my trip was, anxiety managed to distract me from an amazing experience. As I tried to enjoy myself, anxiety crippled me from allowing my personality to flourish. When I was at a party the negative thoughts made me a wall flower.
Although I do consider myself quite introverted sometimes, I still like to let off some steam. You know, let loose and just be free to do me but it didn’t work out like that.
On my way back to Buffalo, I realized that the reason why I didn’t enjoy myself when I had the chance to be myself was because of fear. I became affected by ideas that appeared real because I acted as if they were. Well today those thoughts will no longer be my reality.
So ask me if I care…because I don’t.
Speaking out has always been a difficult task for me. I remain silent because its easier. Its easier to let people assume who you are, well at least it is for me. I fear speaking up because I fear what people will think about me so I hide behind my wall. My invisible wall is a shield I use against anything that could possibly hurt me but the cost of the wall is life.
Are you truly living if the person you really are is layered underneath the exterior of what others see. I give those around me my poker face so they cant see the hurt and vulnerability that lies beneath my poker face. Well the silence is getting old and isolation has had a toll on me. The lack of human connection can be a bit lonely at times and sometimes its nice not to face the world alone.
The truth is, we all need someone and God is the person to go to. While I’m going through this phase he is with me and wont leave my side despite the obstacles I will face. I am determined to be more like him and let down the wall of fear. Fear is the cause of my wall and if I trust in him I know I can conquer all things through him.
Lately I have been hooked to this song called “When the Day Comes” by Nico & Vinz. It talks about being a warrior and makes me feel invincible. Whenever I feel down or weak I listen to this song and I gives me hope. Although I may be facing many challenges, there has been many battles that I have faced. Although I have won some and lost some, I will win the war. I will defeat my odds and I will achieve all the things that I have imagined.
Although my voice is silenced now, I will not give up. I refuse to continue hiding behind my wall and silencing my voice. Today I will not longer be afraid.